Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
