Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
