I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I skipped work to stalk him.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
