why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just gargled with NyQuil
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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