Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i will never coherently bang her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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