I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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