I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
