I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
