O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
