Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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