Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
