You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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