I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
