i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
