Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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