Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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