Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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