She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
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I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
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I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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