i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You smell like a Billy Joel song
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
