Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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