lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
