Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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