I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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