Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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