Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
