I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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