I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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