Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
