my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i think i just lost a toe
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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