I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.