I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.