they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.