I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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