If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
