no, he came in my armpit
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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