I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize