I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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