wakey wakey hands off snakey
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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