I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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