he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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