omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
