It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
