And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
