Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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