Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
