You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
