note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
