I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
