Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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