Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
