If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
