the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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