So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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