Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
