I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
