If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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