Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She liked it
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's